Written on February 26, 2015 at 10:38 am , by Mallory Creveling
Remember that goal you set a little over a month ago? The one about losing weight or exercising more? According to data from Gold’s Gym, that motivation you had on January 1st is probably waning right now. In fact, February 24th (deemed the “fitness cliff”) is the day that check-in numbers drop and never rebound. But we want you to defy those odds and get pumped about getting in shape again. So we asked Jeff Na, vice president of fitness for Gold’s Gym, to reveal his top tips for boosting your enthusiasm for health. “The only difference between January 1st and February 24th is prioritization,” he says. Make exercise a must-do again, reevaluate what you wanted to achieve and why, and adopt these ideas to get back on track.
Focus on the details
“The clients who see the best results come in not just with a goal in mind but with the steps for how to get there,” says Na. So if you made a general target of dropping 10 pounds, figure out a realistic time frame for getting there (probably about five weeks), how often you’ll exercise and healthy meal options. Then put each workout and kitchen prep day on your calendar so you can plan ahead. If want to remove the guesswork, sign up for a program like Gold’s Gym 12-Week Transformation Plan or Michelle Bridges’ 12 Week Body Transformation.
Find something exciting
Even before you start feeling bored with your usual routine, you should have an idea of how to switch things up and keep your regimen fresh. Otherwise, when your workout starts feeling too bland, it’ll fall to your B-list of priorities. Look at your local health club’s schedule to see if one of the classes seems enticing, or chat with a fitness-loving friend for a suggestion. “Group classes are great for workout newbies because they give you a sense of community and some professional instruction,” says Na. You may find that Pilates or Spinning naturally keeps you coming back for more. If you can’t get to a class, try a new walking route or fitness DVD. Adding variety to your schedule keeps you interested mentally and challenges your muscles physically so you don’t hit a plateau.
Reduce injury risk
Many people skip a proper warm-up and cool-down, but going from no movement to intense exercise or stopping immediately afterward increases your risk of strained ligaments or other overuse issues—which puts you off the workout wagon longer. Just take an easy stroll for about five minutes to up your heart rate and lightly stretch any tight muscles. When you’re done sweating it out, take another five minutes for deeper stretches.
Get back to basics
“Your body is your best machine,” says Na. “That’s why fitness professionals often recommend body-weight-only exercises—they translate to the movements you do in everyday life and make them easier.” So squeeze in some squats, lunges, push-ups and rows whenever you can. And when your body gets sick of those moves, add resistance with dumbbells or bands.
Make it a family affair
You shouldn’t be the only one at home who’s moving more often. Get the kids involved in your physical plans by doing a yoga DVD together or taking a walk outside (just bundle up!). Try organizing a quick team workout by doing jumping jacks before dinner or running in place during the commercials of your favorite show. It gives you time to bond with your kids and get everyone healthier, plus you’ll set an active trend for your teens and tweens to mimic when they’re older.
Don’t forget food
If you haven’t seen any results, it may be because you haven’t paid enough attention to your diet. Keep a journal for one week, writing down everything you eat, and then figure out what you need to cut back on. It’s best to munch on more foods that are close to their original source (read: no pre-packaged meals) and to create a realistic diet plan. For instance, if you aim to cut out all sweets, you’ll probably want to revert to your overeating habits in a few days. Instead, make portion sizes smaller.
Written on February 17, 2015 at 12:02 pm , by Family Circle
Leora Tanenbaum, author of the newly released I Am Not a Slut: Slut-Shaming in the Age of the Internet, sheds light on some dark and dangerous behavior. By APRIL MCFADDEN
While boys are often encouraged to explore their sexuality, girls must usually toe the tricky line between being alluring but not lewd. These days that sexual double standard is more difficult than ever to navigate. In this Q&A with Family Circle, author Leora Tanenbaum, who coined the term “slut-bashing” back in the 90s, helps us understand the struggles girls encounter today and explains how every parent can more responsibly raise a kid in the Internet age.
You break down the difference between slut-bashing and slut-shaming in your book. Why is it important for parents to know the difference?
Because the effects of each get played out differently. Slut-shaming isn’t necessarily repeated—it could be a one-time thing and the intent may not even be negative. I haven’t met any female in the United States under the age of 25 who has not been called a “slut” or a “ho” in some context, usually more than once. But slut-bashing is a very specific form of harassment that takes place over time and the intent is to hurt. Slut-bashing makes life horrible for a girl. What they have in common is that regardless of the intent, at the end of the day female sexuality is being policed and the sexual double standard is being reinforced and hammered in. We need to pay attention to both experiences.
How can parents allow their daughters to experiment with femininity without letting them fall into harmful categories?
You don’t ever want to tell her or make her feel that she is a slut. You want her to feel good about her body, her sexuality and her clothing choices. If you strongly believe that her clothing is inappropriate for her age or for the occasion, you need to talk with her about it. Say something supportive that gives her space like, “Wow! You look fantastic in that outfit, but there are so many people out there that aren’t as enlightened as we are about girls revealing their bodies. And unfortunately there are people who may treat you like a sexual object if you wear that outfit.”
What critical lessons should parents teach their sons about this?
Talk about consent with your children, boys and girls, and explain that consent is never present unless it has been verbally communicated. I think that’s really essential. It’s probably the most important thing many parents aren’t doing that we should be doing that better. It’s never ever too soon to talk about sexual consent.
What is your opinion about the recent campus sexual assault movement, including It’s On Us, Know Your IX and Carry That Weight?
I feel invigorated by the movement. It ties into this culture of slut-shaming where so many people—including women—believe that it’s acceptable to have sex with a girl even if she hasn’t actually said yes. They think, “Well, because she’s a ‘slut’ or a ‘ho’ it doesn’t matter what she says.” And this is certainly true in high schools too.
What can parents learn from stories like Jada’s from the #IAmJada campaign?
I do find those individual examples of girls talking back and raising awareness really great, but they’re kids and that should not be their responsibility. That should be our responsibility. We need to be the ones orchestrating that and helping the young people in our lives.
What is the most shocking thing you discovered while writing I Am Not a Slut?
How people hate the “slut” so much—even if she’s somebody they don’t know—that they will tell her she should kill herself or that she shouldn’t be alive.
What is one thing you would ask parents to change when it comes to slut-shaming?
Never, ever use words like “slut” or “ho,” even in a lighthearted or joking way. Just never use them, because our kids look to us as role models and if we make it acceptable then it becomes acceptable to them.
Leora Tanenbaum is the author of the newly released I Am Not a Slut: Slut-Shaming in the Age of the Internet. She is also senior writer and editor at Planned Parenthood Federation of America and a mom of two boys.
Written on February 12, 2015 at 4:26 pm , by Mallory Creveling
This story will help you save your own life. That’s because one in four deaths in the U.S. each year are caused by heart disease, making it the number one killer of women. But right here is where you’ll learn how to outsmart the condition. Just a few simple swaps in your day-to-day routine can lower your odds of cardiovascular disease by more than 80%. “It’s empowering to know that our lifestyle choices can eradicate the top risk factors,” says Suzanne Steinbaum, DO, a cardiologist and a spokesperson for the American Heart Association’s Go Red for Women. So in honor of February being Heart Month, we asked Steinbaum to share her best strategies for avoiding leading risk factors for the disease.
Danger zone: Obesity
How to dodge it: Catch more shut-eye
Getting those coveted seven hours of zzz’s isn’t only important for being alert the next day—it’s vital for your physical well-being too. People who don’t get enough sleep have a higher risk of being overweight or obese. Make it easy to doze off in your room by removing the TV and computer, cleaning up any clutter and making a to-do list for the next day, then leaving it in another room. Also, give yourself ample time to relax before closing your eyes.
Danger zone: High blood pressure
How to dodge it: Get zen
“There’s an important link between our mind and our heart,” says Steinbaum. “How we feel affects our cardiovascular status.” Wind down by incorporating stress management into your daily schedule. Mindfulness techniques, such as meditation and yoga, have been shown to lower blood pressure, but you can also squeeze in simple breathing exercises. That could be as easy as taking a few minutes to focus on inhaling and exhaling while waiting for your kids at school. All these practices help decrease stress hormones (adrenaline and cortisol) and inflammatory markers in the body that are released during a stress response and temporarily cause your heart to beat faster and your blood vessels to constrict.
Danger zone: Diabetes
How to dodge it: Make moves
Several studies have shown that one mega-beneficial workout method for those with diabetes is high-intensity interval training (HIIT). This involves short bursts of difficult exercise followed by brief periods of active rest. “A big mistake people make when doing HIIT is letting their heart rate drop too low at the recovery intervals,” says Steinbaum. Track your numbers by wearing a monitor, like the FitBit Charge HR ($150) or Garmin Forerunner 15 ($140). To find your maximum heart rate, subtract your age from 220. Don’t let your heart rate fall below 75% of max during the less-intense intervals; you should be at 90% to 95% during the rigorous ones. Fitness novices take note, though: HIIT can be hard on your joints, so ease into it. The more in shape you get, the longer and more extreme the intervals should become.
Danger zone: High cholesterol
How to dodge it: Revamp your diet
In general, aim for 1,800 to 2,000 calories a day of primarily fruits, vegetables, fiber-filled legumes and nuts, which provide good-for-you fats. Opt for fish rich in omega-3s to help lower your bad LDL cholesterol. Limit items loaded with saturated fat, like full-fat dairy products, butter and red meats, and cut back on trans fats, found in many processed and fast foods. Also, keep your salt intake to no more than 2,300 milligrams a day. (For a full refresher on what your plate should look like, go here.)
Danger zone: Smoking
How to dodge it: Quit ASAP
Smoking is the most preventable risk factor for heart disease, one that every woman can and should avoid. Stop cold turkey, chew gum, wear a patch or head to cessation seminars—whatever method works for you. (Also, encourage your kids to never pick up a cigarette, even electronic ones. A study published in the journal JAMA Pediatrics found that teens who used e-cigarettes were more likely to smoke the conventional type.) To stop for good, it’s also essential to avoid any triggers that make you want a puff, like a morning coffee break or post-work happy hour with friends.
Suzanne Steinbaum, DO, is a cardiologist and the director of Women’s Heart Health at Lenox Hill Hospital in New York City. She’s also the mother of a son and author of Dr. Suzanne Steinbaum’s Heart Book: Every Woman’s Guide to a Heart-Healthy Life—Reduce the Effects of Stress, Promote Heart Health, and Restore the Balance in Your Life. You can learn more about her at srsheart.com.
Written on February 10, 2015 at 11:39 am , by Mallory Creveling
If you’ve started sweating to our March fitness story but want to turn up the burn, these intensified moves will do it. Follow the 5-, 10- or 15-minute plan in the magazine, but swap out the modified versions in print for the exercises below. (Most of them include explosive jumps to increase the cardio and fat-melting effects.) Also, each time you perform a routine, aim to increase the number of reps you do in 30 seconds and eliminate any breaks you may have needed between each move. These simple switches will help you torch even more calories on the way to a trim, toned new you!
Instead of Modified Tuck Jumps…
Do Leaping Tuck Jumps
Stand with your feet shoulder-width apart, arms bent, elbows up to form a T at your chest with your fingers stacked. Press the hips back into a squat and instead of just lifting one leg at a time, immediately jump upward as high as you can, driving the knees toward your arms. Land softly on the mid-foot, rolling back to the heels and pushing the hips back to absorb the impact of the landing. Repeat.
Instead of 3-Point Plankers…
Do 3-Point Plank Jumps
Start in push-up position. With your hands flat on the floor and wrists under your shoulders, jump (don’t step!) the feet as close as you can to the outside of the left hand. Return to start. Jump feet as close as you can to the outside of your right hand. Return to start. Jump feet between hands. Return to start. Continue switching between left, right and middle as fast as possible.
Instead of Standing Mountain Climbers…
Do Sprinting Mountain Climbers
Stand with feet hip-width apart, hands in front of shoulders with palms facing forward. Instead of just lifting your knees, add more power as you jump and raise your left knee to hip height and your right fingertips to the sky. Jump to switch sides, shooting your left fingertips to the sky as you raise your right knee to hip height. Continue alternating.
Instead of Tap-Ups…
Do Tougher Tap-Ups
Start in regular push-up position, with your knees off the floor and your body in a straight line from shoulders to ankles. Tap your left shoulder with your right fingertips. Return to start. Tap your right shoulder with your left fingertips. Return to start. Then perform a regular push-up, lowering down as close to the floor as possible. Return to start and repeat.
Instead of Star Bursts…
Do Explosive Star Bursts
Stand with feet together. Bend the knees and push your hips back into a low squat, engaging your core and drawing your arms into the center of your body. Pause briefly, then jump up as high as you can, extending your arms and both legs out to form an X. Land softly on your feet, absorbing the jump by bending your knees and pushing your hips back. Repeat.
Instead of Power Thrusts…
Do Hardcore Power Thrusts
Stand with feet wider than hip-width apart. Squat down, placing your hands on the floor, wrists under your shoulders. Jump your feet back so you’re at the top of a push-up position. Immediately return both feet to the squat position. Explosively jump up off the floor, shooting your fingertips to the sky and bringing your knees up toward your chest. Land softly on the mid-foot, rolling back to the heels and pushing your hips back to absorb the impact. Repeat.
Instead of Pencil Squats…
Do Hopping Pencil Squats
Stand with your feet together, arms raised overhead at shoulder width. Hop the feet apart to drop down into a low squat and touch the floor just between your ankles. Jump to return to the starting position.
Written on February 10, 2015 at 11:21 am , by Suzanne Rust
By: Suzanne Rust
Photography by: John Huba
When they were younger, despite their artistic tendencies, Hannah Sessions thought she might become a lawyer and Greg Bernhardt imagined a career in education. So how did they wind up down on the farm? A love of Vermont and good food plus a yearning for a bucolic lifestyle and creative work inspired the couple to invest in a property that they converted to a goat dairy. Fifteen years later, their Blue Ledge Farm boasts 140 goats and produces award-winning artisan cheeses. Now these first-generation farmers cannot image a better life for their family of four.
Which three words best describe your family?
Active, creative, earnest.
What made you choose a goat dairy and cheese making operation?
Goats were an affordable alternative to cows when it came to the capital investment involved in starting a dairy. We always had our sights set on making cheese and we were very excited by the diversity of cheeses you can make with goat’s milk. Lastly, we felt like there was room in the market for excellent artisanal goat cheese. Hannah says that since getting to know goats and their personalities, she would be hard-pressed to work with any other animal.
What is the most rewarding thing about your lifestyle? What is the most challenging?
The things that are the most rewarding are also the most challenging! It is very rewarding to work where we live, and that is also the greatest challenge. Working where you live allows you to be very efficient with your time, to multi-task and to seamlessly blend family and work life together. We get to work together every day, and we are available for our kids.
It is also challenging because you never actually leave your place of work and there is always something that needs tending to. It is rewarding to be deeply connected to weather and the seasons, but that, of course, it also very challenging as weather dictates our ability to harvest feed and many other things. It is wonderful to live with the companionship of hundreds of animals, but challenging to never travel because we are responsible for their care.
You are both first generation farmers. What are the biggest misconceptions about farm life?
One big misconception is that farming is easy, and anyone who can hoe a row of lettuce or muck out a pig pen can do it. You do have to do physical, dirty jobs from time to time, but farming is high tech and takes an incredible amount of knowledge. We wear many “hats”: plumber, electrician, veterinarian, mechanic, accountant, public relations, builder, and graphic designer to name a few. We weren’t born into a farming family so we have learned to gather knowledge when and where we can! Fortunately, folks more experienced than us have been very generous with their time since the birth of Blue Ledge Farm. And we can always “Google it”!
How hands-on are you two at this point? Do either of you actually milk the 80 goats twice a day?
Hannah manages the herd of 140 goats and is very active in vaccinating, breeding and general care of the animals, and takes a few milking shifts per week. We have a great team of milkers so that no one person is burdened with milking twice a day!
Greg manages the cheese production, but between making hay, keeping the books and maintaining operations about the farm, our cheese maker, Megan, has her hands in more actual cheese curds than he does.
What do you love most about the cheese making process?
I enjoy seeing the development from milk, to curd, to a formed shape, and then a fully aged cheese. I also like the fact that we are creating a product that is nourishing to body and soul. (Greg)
How do the kids help around the farm?
Our kids are busy with their school and sports lives during the academic year. They will bottle feed kids during kidding season and in the summer they help harvest hay, give farm tours to visitors, and they sell cheese at our local farmer’s market. Like all of the farm kids I’ve ever known, they are willing to lend a hand when needed!
How do you think they are benefitting from the life you have chosen?
Our kids have never wondered what it is that their parents actually do for a living. They see us working, and they understand that hard work and diligence makes an idea reality. They have a lot of pride in the product that we produce and our part in the community.
Were you two always very environmentally conscious, or did that come once you started working on the farm?
Hannah was voted “most environmental” in high school, and both were vegetarians before starting Blue Ledge Farm and raising their own animals for meat.
Did either of you ever imagine that you would be running a dairy farm?
No, Hannah thought she would be a lawyer and Greg thought teaching was his future. We both always aspired to be artists.
You are both painters. Tell me a bit about that creative side and how you make time for it.
We paint during the slower months on the farm (September through March), but a painter never really stops working! We are always craving more time in the studio, but the farm, the landscape, and our animals are our muse, our subject matter, and our source of inspiration. I think our deep connection to these things comes through in our paintings, and if we weren’t constantly juggling the farm and the art, our paintings might be missing something.
Any short “farm bloopers” to share?
Years ago we answered a local ad for three piglets, so wild that they were “free to anyone who can catch them!” We felt we were up for the challenge but after chasing piglets for two hours we drove away with one lone piglet in the back of the truck. After stopping in town for a quick errand we headed for home, only to discover upon arrival that the lone piglet had in fact escaped from the truck! What followed was three days of heavy rain and no sign of the pig. Then, out of the blue we get a call from a nearby town “you missing a piglet?” The poor pig had taken residence under a porch, chasing away their dog. With help, we went and retrieved the piglet. How this person traced the piglet back to us is still a bit of a mystery– small town Vermont!
For more information check out: www.blueledgefarm.com
Written on February 10, 2015 at 10:03 am , by Rosalind Wiseman
It’s one of the most common parenting slogans we hear, affirmed by everyone from politicians to pediatricians: “It takes a village.” On the face of it, that’s true. But when you really think about it, there are a lot of assumptions going on here. Like, that everyone in the village agrees about the way to raise children. Or that everyone in the village is a mature adult who knows how and when to get involved in children’s lives.
I don’t know about your village, but in mine there are all sorts of people. Some of them I definitely want helping me out with my kids. Some of them…not so much. Plus, I’ve seen countless times when we actually have a problem involving our kids that also happens to involve other people (teachers, coaches, other parents, other kids) in our village.
At the end of the day, you have to ask yourself: Do you trust your village or not? Why do so many of us assume the worst of our village’s intentions? And how do you define your village? The first two questions you’ll have to answer yourself. But the last I can help with. Here are the top three ways to create your village.
1. Identify the most important characteristics of your “villagers.” Mine are:
* treats kids with dignity,
* is comfortable calling children out when they do something boneheaded,
* is warmhearted (they can still be tough on the outside) and not a pushover
* laughs when kids make “foolish” mistakes
* and—most important—knows my children and still likes them.
2. With these characteristics in mind, try to identify two people who have most of these attributes in each of your smaller villages: at your child’s school, in your neighborhood, among your friends, your family and adults in your children’s extracurricular activities (that includes coaches, of course).
3. Make a list for yourself. You don’t have to go up to each of these people and tell them they’ve officially made your list, but write it down so you don’t forget it when you need it most.
The next step in the process is considering how you’ll use them when the moment comes. Read this letter from a mother who recently emailed me and see how her village worked.
Just as my 15-year-old son was supposed to get out of the car to go to school (already 5 minutes late), he mentioned he was being bullied there. He went on to school. I watched him walk in so he couldn’t ditch. Then I called his counselor at school, who checked on him today. When I picked him up I asked if he wanted to talk and he said, “Not now.” In the past I would have pushed him to talk right away, but I gave him space and he came to me later in the afternoon and we talked.
This is a difficult moment for any parent. Her 15-year-old son (a group not known for talking about their problems) drops a bomb as he’s getting out of the car. He did that on purpose. He wanted to tell her, but he didn’t want to talk to her about it.
She could have run after him. She could have run into the school assuming that the school would do nothing about it unless she broke into the principal’s office. But she didn’t. She thought about what would work for her son. She didn’t let her emotions get the best of her. She reached out to her (and, most important, her son’s) village by contacting his counselor and asking him to check in on her son. She trusted that the process would work. Then she gave her son a little bit of space, and her son reacted by telling her what happened—when he was ready.
Who’s in your village? And do you trust them? Post a comment and tell me.
Rosalind Wiseman is the author of the new best seller Masterminds and Wingmen as well as Queen Bee Moms & Kingpin Dads. For more info, go to rosalindwiseman.com. Read more of Rosalind’s parenting advice here.
Do you have a parenting question? Email firstname.lastname@example.org.
Written on February 4, 2015 at 11:38 am , by rriedel
By: Louise Farr
For Michelle Humphries, who founded Arms Outstretched Ministry to help the homeless, veterans and families in need, giving is a matter of faith.
Michelle Humphries has always been a humanitarian at heart. As a teen, she went on church missions to Central America to distribute food and clothing to the poor. Back home in Stafford, VA, she joined the Fairfax County police department in 1994 and saw firsthand the link between homelessness, poverty and crime. “When I had to handcuff people for disturbing the peace, I’d talk to them on the way to jail about where they could find jobs,” she says. “But I didn’t feel I was doing enough.” Michelle began hosting monthly dinners at the First Assembly of God church, serving up steak and potatoes donated by residents and food pantries. “I call them ‘elegant meals,’ ” she says. “People are seated and served instead of waiting in line. That way they know we love them.”
Noting that many of the homeless were veterans, Michelle enlisted her brother Michael, who was stationed in Iraq with the Air Force, to launch an Adopt
A Soldier program. She got volunteers to assemble care packages, and he set up the network to get them to troops overseas. In 2001 she founded the Arms Outstretched Ministry (AOM), which quickly went forth and multiplied. Veterans from nearby counties, as well as financially strapped families of active servicemen, began attending AOM dinners, where they were given groceries supplied in part by the Food Lion supermarket chain. AOM extended its reach by counseling troubled teens, offering spiritual support to adults and juveniles in prison, and providing companionship to senior citizens. “It’s a lot of legwork,” says Michelle. “I’m hands-on with everything.”
The ministry makes an extra effort to spread joy this time of year. At Arlington’s Pentagon City mall, volunteers wrap gifts in exchange for donations. Last year AOM raised several thousand dollars, which, combined with private contributions, was enough to fly several families cross-country to visit relatives at Walter Reed and Fort Belvoir military hospitals. In the group’s main office is an Angel Tree decorated with tags bearing the names and wish lists of children in local foster homes and detention centers. People pluck a tag off a branch, then mail or personally deliver presents to a child.
Finding time for AOM isn’t easy, but Michelle, 44, manages to squeeze it into her schedule. She works four 10-hour shifts a week at the police department, where she teaches emergency driving skills, reserving Fridays for her six- year-old, Taylor. “She’s been serving drinks at the dinners since she could walk,” says Michelle. “Now she writes letters to wounded warriors.” Husband Kevin loads trucks with food and other items, while sister-in-law Cindy pitches in with the Bread of Life program, delivering freshly baked goods to families in need.
Many Happy Returns
Thanks to a huge corps of volunteers, AOM has helped some 5,000 people in the past year alone. As Michelle sees it, compassion is a choice, and those who lean in reap huge rewards. “Knowing you’ve eased hardship and brought peace to others,” she says, “is a warm and wonderful feeling.”
To learn more or make a donation, visit armsoutstrectedministry.com.
Written on January 30, 2015 at 11:00 am , by Janet Taylor
One of the greatest lessons that parents try to teach their children is honesty. Winners never cheat and cheaters never win. There is no game or test or outcome that is worth going back on your word or compromising your integrity. So when I hear revered sports figures acknowledge or minimize their role in cheating, it’s disheartening. Winners never cheat? Try telling that to the New England Patriots and their fans. They’re going to Superbowl 2015 while still defending themselves in DeflateGate. For those of you unaware of DeflateGate, it basically involves a preponderance of deflated balls for one team that provided an unfair advantage. The situation begs the question: Is it ever okay to cheat?
Just the other day, in a BBC interview, Lance Armstrong was questioned about his infamous ban from racing after doping. When asked if he’d do it all again, in regards to doping, he said: “If I was racing in 2015, no, I wouldn’t do it again because I don’t think you have to . . . If you take me back to 1995, when it was completely and totally pervasive, I would probably do it again. People don’t like to hear that.” With all due respect to Lance Armstrong, I have a question: Huh? Did he actually say that he would cheat again? Yes, he did.
I have wiped tears from the cheeks of every single one of my four daughters because of a game that was hard fought but lost and other disappointing outcomes. As competitive athletes, they didn’t just learn to win, they learned to lose in spite of their best efforts. Cheating was not an option or part of the game plan.
To reinforce that message with our kids, it may be time to take another look at what cheating really is. One definition of being cheated is to be deprived of something valuable by the use of deceit or fraud. We often look at the victim with pity. Why not flip the script? Perhaps it’s time to look at what the cheater loses as we teach our children the lessons of playing and losing fairly. How sweet could that victory truly be? Let’s show our kids who the real winners are.
What lessons do you teach your children about cheating? Post a comment below and let us know.
Got a question for Dr. Janet? Email her at email@example.com.
Written on January 28, 2015 at 1:19 pm , by Mallory Creveling
Besides returning to the big screen in 2015 for Accidental Love (out February 10), actress Kirstie Alley has also resumed her role as the face of Jenny Craig. She signed up for the program nine months ago, and when we met up with the 64-year-old this month in NYC, she revealed her svelte figure—50 pounds lighter! We asked the mom of two, who’s clearly a weight-loss champion, to share her lessons on diet, exercise and having some fun too.
Tip #1: Get your children eating well when they’re young, so you can all have good-for-you meals when you’re older.
“My kids actually eat really healthy; they always have. They were raised that way. Sometimes they’ll even steal my Jenny Craig food. They love the fettuccine and the turkey burgers.”
Tip #2: Find a physical activity you love, so it’s much more maintainable.
“There are just certain exercise things I dread, and I really wanted to find something that would carry through the rest of my life. I thought, ‘When in my life did I love being really active?’ And it was riding a bicycle. So I started riding my Townie bike around, visiting people, bribing them to ride with me, and then people started joining in. Now we have a group of three to eight people riding to dinner or to the grocery store. I just made it a part of my routine and it never feels like drudgery.”
Tip #3: And switch things up.
“I want to start doing more yoga. It makes my body strong really fast. I like doing dance-y stuff too. I’ll go to a Zumba class or any type of dance class.”
Tip #4: Pick an unbiased person to help you with your goal.
“With Jenny Craig, you’re choosing to have a person that holds you accountable [each member gets a consultant to help them create and stick to to a weight-loss strategy], which I think is really important. It’s this trained person, who’s independent of your family and friends, who stays very neutral and just helps. But if you choose somebody who’s a friend of yours, I think you could become bitter if that person was giving advice. So it’s essential to have that nonpartisan person who’s literally just there to see you through your goals. I think it’s also fun to have a buddy who’s doing it with you.”
Tip #5: Plan each week in advance.
“It takes about three minutes to look at what you have coming up in that week that can be challenging or could be a pitfall or could just be a lot of fun. (I mean, usually if you’re overeating it’s because you’re either really sad or you’re really happy.) So look at that week in advance and you’ll see you have this or that, so you know you’re going to have to eat before and if they have hors d’oeuvres, you’re going to have one. Just make a lightly planned schedule.”
Tip #6: Know success will affect all areas of your life.
“I think anytime you reach any goal that you set for yourself, it strengthens you and then it helps you in all other aspects of your life. So I would say that same thing about conquering the weight. I think that’s the best part. Weight loss isn’t just about wearing a smaller dress; it’s about getting healthier and you instantly have more energy and you feel more outgoing. Plus, you don’t have to look in your closet and think, ‘What can I get into?’ and ‘How can I hide this or that?’”
Written on January 22, 2015 at 10:15 am , by Rosalind Wiseman
Video games have come a long way since the days when we were just trying to gobble up dots and steer clear of four pesky ghosts. Now they’re 10 times as complex—just look at all the buttons on the joystick, ahem, controller. Story lines are far more elaborate. And a kid’s desire to play just a little bit longer? Infinite. So how do you get your child to put the controller down? Our parenting expert Rosalind Wiseman received an email from a concerned school official dealing with just such a dilemma. Here’s Rosalind’s advice for putting playtime in its place.
I am an elementary school counselor, and so many parents have asked me for guidance on enforcing rules about video games. They don’t have problems setting the rules, but with enforcing them without meltdowns. What’s your advice?
Maybe some of you reading this have kids who follow your rules about games. Maybe some of you have kids who never argue or, worse, pretend not to hear you, when you say, “Your game time is up.” But for those of you who don’t, this is what I try to keep in mind.
Meltdowns are going to happen when your child stops playing a video game. As a parent, expect it and don’t take it personally. Don’t get annoyed. Don’t think your child is insane. He’s going from fighting monsters or competing in a world championship sports event to… sitting on the couch listening to his parent nag him about going over his screen time limits. Come to think of it, maybe our kids get into fights with us in these moments to continue the adrenaline rush.
When my boys disconnect, I give them about 10 minutes to be grumpy, rude, butt heads. They don’t get a free pass to be brats or say something personally horrible to me or about me. (“I hate you” doesn’t count as horrible. That’s a standard thing for your children to say and also should not be taken personally.) You should expect that they will lie (or be in denial) about how long they’ve played or argue with you about how much longer their sibling has been playing and how unfair the whole thing is. This is because they truly feel that they have been playing for only a few minutes and that their sibling(s) has hogged the controllers. Their passion fuels their justification about how unfair the situation is, which in turn fuels their belief that they are justified in being obnoxious brats.
Here’s how I try to manage myself so they don’t drag me into their tantrums: When I come into the house and they’re gaming, I try not to greet them with, “How long have you been playing?” (which, to be honest, is not a question—it’s an accusation) or “You better get off in 10 minutes” or “Have you walked the dog yet?” (again, an accusation). Instead—and this is very hard—I go in, say hi and let them play for 10 more minutes. Then I come back, tell them to pause the game and ask them about homework, the dog, cleaning the kitchen, etc. If they don’t pause the game after one warning, I do turn it off because that’s in our rules. (Rule #7: “I’ll pause the game within one minute after being told my time is up. If I don’t comply, I understand that my parent will turn off the screen so that any unsaved progress I lose will be because of my actions, not because my mom turned off the screen.”)
I have found that no matter what rules I have about food, leaving dirty socks on the floor or placing the cushions back on the couch, my kids still violate all of them. I don’t think I have ever come into the room where they play games and not found several dirty socks lying around. But when they stop playing, they have to clean up the space. Nothing happens until they clean up that room.
Bottom line: Don’t take their behavior personally. Don’t think they’re insane or game addicts. And don’t let them get you into a bad mood, stomping around the house resenting them. Stay strong, keep calm, and when in doubt you can always hide the controllers in the laundry room.
What rules do you place on video games in your house? Post a comment and tell me.
Rosalind Wiseman is the author of the new best seller Masterminds and Wingmen as well as Queen Bee Moms & Kingpin Dads. For more info, go to rosalindwiseman.com. Read more of Rosalind’s parenting advice here.
Do you have a parenting question? Email firstname.lastname@example.org.
Written on January 21, 2015 at 11:00 am , by Mallory Creveling
Don’t let fevers, body aches, congestion and coughs creep through your front door! While flu activity is especially high this season—nearly 5,500 people have been hospitalized since October—and the CDC predicts it will remain elevated for the next few months, there are simple ways to stay protected. The vaccine offers your best defense, even if it doesn’t cover all strains. “A shot will still decrease your chances of getting sick, and it’s never too late in the season to get it,” says Keri Peterson, MD, an internal medicine doctor in NYC. In addition to getting vaccinated, shield yourself and your family with these strategies from Peterson.
1. Make Your Face Off-Limits.
“A big thing people forget is that they shouldn’t touch their eyes, nose or mouth, because that’s a direct entry point for germs,” says Peterson. Pretend there’s a glass table around your neck, meaning your hands cannot go above it.
2. Lather Up Often.
Scrub your hands with soap and water several times a day, especially if you’ve touched a potentially contaminated area like a subway pole, doorknobs, faucet handles, kitchen sponges or that pen on a chain at the bank. When you’re on the go, use hand sanitizer or antibacterial hand wipes (try Wet Ones, from $2), which kill germs as well as remove them.
3. Stop the Spread of Bacteria.
A few easy tricks will help minimize the germs you disperse and pick up. Cough into your elbow instead of your hand, and fist-bump instead of shaking hands. At home, regularly clean surfaces—like counters, handles, faucets, your phone, laptop and mouse and the toilet—with a disinfectant product or a bleach-and-water solution. Finally, skip the office when necessary. According to a Vicks survey, 48% of us still head to work outside the home with cold and flu symptoms, which just ups the risk of infecting others.
4. Boost Your Immune System.
Help your body fight off ailments by getting enough sleep and reducing stress, whether by practicing yoga or reading a good book. Exercise will also help you stay healthy, so break a sweat when you can—just remember to wipe down equipment if you head to the gym. Also, munch on more immunity-boosting foods like green leafy vegetables, antioxidant-packed berries and vitamin C−filled oranges.
5. Bundle Up.
The old wives’ tale turns out to be true: You’re more susceptible to contracting an illness if you’re exposed to the pathogen outside in the cold. Chilly temperatures cause blood vessels to constrict, and without sufficient blood flow to the back of the throat or the nose (where cold viruses live), your body can’t readily deliver immune system cells to those areas. This makes battling germs much more difficult.
6. Stay Away from the Sick.
If someone in your family does end up with influenza, get her to a doc. Antiviral meds should be taken within the first 48 hours to reduce the severity and duration of the condition. Then quarantine that individual to her room with instructions to cough and sneeze into tissues, drink lots of fluids, sip chicken soup (it has anti-inflammatory effects and loosens up mucus) and get lots of rest.
Written on January 16, 2015 at 5:41 pm , by Janet Taylor
Being blessed with four daughters means that I never had to have the “driving while black” talk. (For those who don’t know, that’s the conversation parents with black sons must have about the extra precautions you need to take should you be pulled over by a police officer.) Now, let me say up front, I respect, defer to and have admiration for the men and women who put their lives on the line every day to keep our citizens and communities safe. However, as a mother my heart has been broken over the recent events involving innocent black youngsters and black men who have died in police encounters in Missouri, New York and Ohio, to name a few.
Just because these events happened in 2014 doesn’t make them any easier to manage emotionally in 2015. Last month, on the second anniversary of the Sandy Hook shooting, my heart was broken again as I saw images of the sweet, innocent smiles of victims contrasted with video of the ongoing pain of their surviving family members. A brave mother who lost her outgoing, curious and beautiful daughter stated: “You have bad days and even worse days…but you go on step by step.”
Yes, you go on, but how? Maybe the answer is closer than we imagine. The same ability that allows us to feel our own and others’ pain gives us the power to recognize that hope is all around us. We just have to make a conscious decision to see it, believe it and state it out loud. Our children need to hear us talk about the good in our lives—good people, good actions, good hearts and good words. That goodness connects us. It connects the people of Sandy Hook and the diverse group of people who are marching together for justice.
The new year provides a prime opportunity to teach our children with renewed spirit about giving, loving and being kind…just because. We can teach our children that the most important aspect of the recent holidays were not presents but presence. Interact in a gentle caring way, share history, swap stories and dole out tight hugs. Grief and heartbreak are part of life, but so are hope, goodness, love. And love heals.
How do you move forward from losses you’ve experienced or watched others experience? Post a comment below and let us know.
Got a question for Dr. Janet? Email her at email@example.com.