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Communicating with Your Teen

Bridge the communication gap with these simple strategies for getting your teen to really talk to you.

By Robin Westen

Who's at Fault?

When my 16-year-old son, Gabe, came home from school and said nonchalantly, “I quit the lacrosse team today,” I heard the words and rushed to judgment. Yes, I was thinking about how much the equipment had cost, but I was also worried about his ability to honor an important commitment. “When you join a team you’re making a promise to be there for the other guys,” I reminded him. “It’s not fair to them.” With that off my chest, I went back to scrubbing a pot -- furiously -- and waited for him to respond. No such luck. He just wheeled around and left the room as if he hadn’t heard a single word.

It turns out, however, that I was the one who had shut the door on communication, according to Martha B. Straus, PhD, author of No-Talk Therapy for Children and Adolescents (Norton). “The best thing you could have said was nothing,” she says. “But if you had to answer, you should have empathized with him by saying, ‘That must have been a tough decision to make.’”

My error was expecting my son to communicate as easily and quickly as I do. “Kids’ brains have to sort through a lot of emotional reactivity before they can respond,” says Straus. The parent’s job is to get beyond what’s happening on the surface. When you do, you are helping your child learn to negotiate and compromise not only with you, but also with himself.

How can you be a better listener? Straus offers these effective strategies, which you can start using today.

Dos and Don'ts Don't...


8 Talk-Blockers

You can have the best intentions, but if you’re sending the wrong signals, kids will clam up, says Michele Borba, EdD, author of 12 Simple Secrets Real Moms Know (Jossey-Bass). Watch out for:

  1. Body language. Avoid gestures like shrugging your shoulders or leaning back with arms folded, which a kid is likely to read as, “I don’t accept you.” And don’t stand above her -- if your teen is sitting or is shorter than you, sit down.
  2. Facial expressions. Beware the scowl, the raised eyebrows, the rolled eyes, the smirk. They don’t like it any more than you do.
  3. Nonverbal sounds. Skip the heavy sighs and groans. (You probably do it without even realizing!)
  4. Tone. Are you talking to your teen in the voice you’d use with a friend? Keep it casual and conversational.
  5. Yelling. If you’re not careful, your voice may go up a level. Moms need to use their “indoor” voice, too.
  6. Talking too much. Bite your tongue -- literally if necessary. Count to 10 and give your child plenty of time to formulate his thoughts.
  7. Sarcasm. Don’t try to be funny; hypersensitive kids may feel insulted. Save your sparkling wit for grown-ups.
  8. Anger. Stay as relaxed as possible, even if you have to say, “I need some time to calm down -- let’s talk later,” and come back when you’re cooler.

-- Gay Norton Edelman

Hannah Storm: What Works for Me

A recent Family Circle poll* showed that teens want more time with their parents -- and for their parents to listen to what’s on their mind. If I sense that one of my kids needs to talk, I ask about something she’s interested in; once the conversation gets going, I can steer her toward another topic. Knowing it’s easier to share when siblings aren’t around, I grab some alone time with each child over a quick meal. And when they don't feel like talking, I hang out nearby. When they’re ready, I’m there.

* The survey was conducted on behalf of Family Circle by Harris Interactive in the spring of 2006.