Ask Rosalind 2010

Q. My seventh grade daughter says another girl in her class is sexually active. The girl's mom is just an acquaintance, and I don't even know if the story is true. What do you advise?

A. Here's what I don't suggest: "Hi, Kathy, my daughter just came home and told me your daughter is hooking up with all the boys in the grade. Just thought you should know. Bye!" Instead, ask your daughter who's the best counselor at school. Set up a meeting with that person and tell her what you've heard, saying, "I don't know how accurate this information is, but I figured there's a chance this girl may need some help." Tell your daughter why you're going, as in, "I'm making sure a professional is looking out for your classmate." And be very clear that she's not to gossip about any of this with her friends.

Q. In your October 17 article you said any adult has the right to respectfully discipline kids. But it can make a bad day worse if a stranger corrects my son, who has autism. Shouldn't people be sensitive to special situations?

A. You are so right—everybody should remember that it's too easy to see a child behaving badly and jump to the wrong conclusion. My strategy is to look at the child and adult to see whether either seems really overwhelmed or anxious. I might then ask the parent if she wants help. Sometimes, though, when a child is just plain rude, a quick response from another adult sends a strong message. For example, I was in the supermarket recently and my son made an obnoxious comment to me. An older man stepped forward and told him to stop disrespecting his mother. I thanked the guy and watched as my son flushed with embarrassment. As soon as we were alone my son and I had a conversation about manners and respect. So while correcting other people's children treads on delicate ground, if we do it thoughtfully, we show kids that our whole community expects civility.

Q. My 14-year-old stepdaughter refuses to visit us since her father started making her listen to our house rules. What should we do?

A. If I were 14, I'd see "our house rules" as my stepmother forcing my dad to change the way he parents me and I'd blame her for being a control freak. So I'd disrespect my dad for bowing down, and I'd stay away. What should you do? Back off and let him take the primary role. He should privately ask her, "You don't want to hang out at my house anymore. Why is that?" If she complains about the new decisions, he needs to say why he made them and reinforce that he wants her to be a part of his (and your) life, then ask what she needs to feel more comfortable in your home. This conversation probably won't make her come running back, but it's a good start.

Originally published in the January 2010 issue of Family Circle magazine.