The Joys and Challenges of Raising a Transgender Child
Two parents open up about the joys and challenges of raising a transgender child in the 21st century.
If your 2-year-old daughter keeps insisting she’s a boy, your first reaction might be that she’s just trying to bond with her older brothers. But if years go by and that child is still claiming a gender she wasn’t born into, what does that mean and what do you do?
Jodie Patterson and her partner, Joseph Ghartey, faced this situation. While they sought guidance to better understand what Penelope, now Penel, was experiencing, it became clearer to them that their child was transgender, which GLAAD defines as “an umbrella term for people whose gender identity and/or gender expression differs from what is typically associated with the sex they were assigned at birth.”
When Penel first announced that he was a boy, his parents thought their child was just being assertive. “Like ‘I’m tough, and I want you to respect me,’ and we were fine with that,” says Jodie. “But when we realized it was a much deeper expression, we had to sit back and just watch Penel for a bit. We had to take the time to learn about transgender children. It’s been an eye-opening experience that’s given all of us a better understanding of the world. I’m just starting to comprehend ‘identity’ in its true meaning.”
How to Raise a Transgender Child, According to Two Parents Who are Doing Just That
As parents, one of our goals is to support our children and help them shine as their true authentic selves. (Positive parenting for the win!) Through their open-mindedness, commitment and love for their child, the Patterson-Ghartey family is creating a safe, loving environment where Penel can thrive.
Which three words best describe your family?
“Loud, loving, relentless.”
What is the most gratifying thing about parenting?
“Having children is the fastest and most direct way to understanding yourself. Through my kids, I'm able to see my flaws and my strengths and ultimately get closer to my true and most beautiful spirit. There's no hiding with kids. They force you to either succumb or rise above!” (And remember, just say no to mom guilt!)
Describe your favorite quality in each of your children.
“Nain is our musical genius and a classically trained flutist at Julliard; he's the kid whisperer, great with any age. Georgia is an outspoken feminist and a kind soul. Cassius is a phenomenal scholar—we call him the President. Penel is a rock star; he believes in himself and is ready to show the world. Othello is our rascal, always looking for Mr. Trouble.”
What has been the reaction of other parents and kids at Penel’s school once they realize you’re raising a transgender child?
“We attend a very small private school where there are only 100 families, so everyone knows Penel intimately and as a person, not as ‘the transgender kid.’ We've asked for acceptance and received it from teachers, parents, classmates and administration. Before we started calling Penel ‘he,’ his classmates did! They didn't seem to think twice about it. Our community is very tight.”
How does the rest of your family handle it?
“We were all happy to adjust around Penel. Our immediate family has only ever known Penel as he is—we've never asked him to change his ways. So we simply had to change our language around him.
Our extended family, which sees Penel less frequently, needed time to understand what the heck we were talking about. My mom's from the South, and transgender isn't as open a topic where she lives. But as a family, we embrace happiness in all forms. So everyone's championing Penel as a transgender child. ” (Do you adjust your parenting style with each child or treat them all similarly?)
What is the biggest misconception about transgender children?
“Many people assume we're talking about sexuality when we talk about transgender. They say, ‘Isn’t it too early to know who Penel is going to want to be intimate with?’ What I understand now is that transgender is about identity—how an individual sees him- or herself. That process begins within each human very early.”
What is the best part of your day?
“Dinner. We all eat, talk and dance together. It's our end-of-the-day wind-down, which ends up being a wind-up! Conversation is sure to get heated.”
What is your spin on having it all? How do you make it work?
“Each day I touch everything that's important to me, so that gives me a feeling of having it all. Family, work, spirituality, health, travel, beauty: These are what's important to me, and if I touch them daily, I feel complete. Having it all is about completing yourself. ”